this is a complicated one. i can feel a migraine coming on at the mere thought of trying to explain this tasty morsel of idiosyncratic behaviour.
i get fat sometimes.
in fact sometimes i can get fat really fast. a few years ago whilst living overseas, i actually piled 15 kilograms onto my small frame in a matter of months.
of course, i never acknowledged the fact that i had begun resembling a hippopotamus that had squeezed into size 8 jeans until my charming flat mate steve – not his real name – told me quite matter-of-factly, “when you got here you were ooh [using his hands to indicate a figure eight body with his hands]. now you’re fat [using his hands to indicate a blob].
i’m not really sure how a normal human would react after they realised that they had become fat. but i handled it the only way i knew how. i hid my junk food in my bedroom and would eat it when no one was watching.
that’s right when i’m fat and no one is watching i will eat pastries, cakes, chips, lollies and chocolate in my bedroom.
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and you thought your opinion of me couldn’t get much lower. i’ve gone and raised the bar once again. I am a kleptomaniac suffering from narcissism and poor hygiene.
i am sure this one of the tightest things that i do when no one is watching. as tight as an emo band’s black skinny jeans. as tight as kerri-ann kennerly squeezing into lindsey lohan’s leggings. as tight as joan river’s face. you get the picture it’s pretty tight.
but before you go and judge, let me clarify something – this is not a sizzler or pizza hut buffet obsession. i steal from breakfast buffet’s at five-star hotels when on holidays. yes sir, i am very la dee dah.
it all began when my family and I were travelling through Europe on a three-month holiday. my mother would make me take food from the buffet and put in my bag because i wasn’t eating her monies worth at breakfast. she said something like, “i know you’re going to be hungry later and i am not going to stop what i am doing to find you something to eat while were out seeing the sights”. yowser.
but i learned my lesson and i learned it good. you don’t need to eat what you deem is your monies worth while seated at a buffet restaurant because you can just take some of it away with you in a doggy bag style system.
so yes, i steal things. i steal muffins, fruit and jams from buffets when no one is watching. or at least i hope no one is watching. incidentally, my mother is unabashed. she never made me put the stolen goods in my bag when no one was watching. the shame and embarrassment that results from my action is completely of my own-making.
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i pee in the shower because:
1. as a girl it’s the only time i can experience the man-joy of standing up to pee
2. it means that I don’t need to use abrasive toilet paper on my fajita
3. i care about the environment. one less flush for (wo)man, one less flush for (wo)mankind
4. george costanza does it
5. no one is watching
i know that my actions in the shower are a dirty, dirty faux pas but i don’t care. i can’t help than to pee in the shower.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged george costanza, pee in the shower, things i do when no one is watching | 1 Comment »
i like to check myself out when no one is watching or at least when i think no one’s watching. i’m not narcissistic in the crazy sense. i don’t have a personality disorder. i’m just vain.
its more of an obsessive compulsion than a psychological disease. i’ll try to grab a look of myself in anything that reflects. a mirror. a shop window. a car window. a bus stop shelter. a muddy puddle. but it’s more than just trying to catch a glimpse of myself in the shiny surfaces of the inanimate objects that i happen to pass on the street. it’s not something that i leave to chance.
when i spot something in the distance that may provide the opportunity to grab a good look at myself, i will walk out of my way to get to it. ok. i don’t walk to far out of my way because ultimately i’m both vain and lazy. for example, if i need to get from point a to b, i would make a detour to pass by c in order check myself out.
this scenario is repeated until i reach my destination.
of course, i always try to pretend that i am actually enamoured with what is in the shop window, car, pool of water, bus stop shelter. but too often than not, i’ve been caught out. peering with great interest in one-way reflective glass.
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