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Archive for March, 2009

this is a complicated one. i can feel a migraine coming on at the mere thought of trying to explain this tasty morsel of idiosyncratic behaviour.

i get fat sometimes.

in fact sometimes i can get fat really fast. a few years ago whilst living overseas, i actually piled 15 kilograms onto my small frame in a matter of months.

of course, i never acknowledged the fact that i had begun resembling a hippopotamus that had squeezed into size 8 jeans until my charming flat mate steve – not his real name – told me quite matter-of-factly, “when you got here you were ooh [using his hands to indicate a figure eight body with his hands]. now you’re fat [using his hands to indicate a blob].

ouch.

i’m not really sure how a normal human would react after they realised that they had become fat. but i handled it the only way i knew how. i hid my junk food in my bedroom and would eat it when no one was watching.

that’s right when i’m fat and no one is watching i will eat pastries, cakes, chips, lollies and chocolate in my bedroom.

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and you thought your opinion of me couldn’t get much lower. i’ve gone and raised the bar once again. I am a kleptomaniac suffering from narcissism and poor hygiene.

i am sure this one of the tightest things that i do when no one is watching. as tight as an emo band’s black skinny jeans. as tight as kerri-ann kennerly squeezing into lindsey lohan’s leggings. as tight as joan river’s face. you get the picture it’s pretty tight.

but before you go and judge, let me clarify something – this is not a sizzler or pizza hut buffet obsession. i steal from breakfast buffet’s at five-star hotels when on holidays. yes sir, i am very la dee dah.

it all began when my family and I were travelling through Europe on a three-month holiday. my mother would make me take food from the buffet and put in my bag because i wasn’t eating her monies worth at breakfast. she said something like, “i know you’re going to be hungry later and i am not going to stop what i am doing to find you something to eat while were out seeing the sights”. yowser.

but i learned my lesson and i learned it good. you don’t need to eat what you deem is your monies worth while seated at a buffet restaurant because you can just take some of it away with you in a doggy bag style system.

so yes, i steal things. i steal muffins, fruit and jams from buffets when no one is watching. or at least i hope no one is watching. incidentally, my mother is unabashed. she never made me put the stolen goods in my bag when no one was watching. the shame and embarrassment that results from my action is completely of my own-making.

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